I'm not the kind of person that really enjoys going out to a club or bar. To be honest, being overweight has impacted the way I view the world. I walk into a restaurant and scope out the seating arrangement to find a table that is out of the way and has a chair that will be able to support my weight.
God forbid I am asked to sit at a booth. It just puts a cramp in my style. I have to attempt to tuck and fold and bend myself into a space that is designed for a person half my size, and to manage to complete this task with any sense of grace or dignity is usually an epic failure. And then, without fail, my jeans rub against the plastic material that some genius decided that all restaurant booths MUST be made of and creates what can only be described as the sound of an enormous fart. This of course happens in front of the extremely cute waiter and results in my wishing that I had a toothpick with which to stab myself repeatedly.
A club is even more intense, especially on the weekends. Most of them are small, cramped settings with limited seating and a dance floor. Add loud music and 300 people in a space designed for a maximum of 200 and you find yourself in a place that I can only describe as Hell on Earth, and with the body heat that is generated by such an environment, this is actually an accurate description.
Let me state for the record that I do not dance. I was not blessed with the ability to move my body in rhythmic formation to create an illusion of raw sex appeal. Instead, the result of my dancing is that when I stop dancing, the rest of me don't. So when I visit a club, I usually spend the majority of my time sitting quietly in the corner out of the way and watching people as they dance and mingle with each other.
The point of all of this is that I went out to a club tonight. They had karaoke and so I got up to sing. Let me also say that I am most comfortable when I am on stage singing. Music is a big passion of mine and I am very confident in my singing ability. Normally in a bar or club setting, I am very shy and timid, but last night I felt at home on the stage and I received many compliments. There were even a few guys that flirted with me.
I've been told that confidence is key in meeting new people. Unfortunately, when it comes to my body image, I am decidedly lacking in self confidence. It is my goal to eventually build my self confidence so that when I go out to a place like that, I can experience it without hesitation and fear. I realize that this is not something that is going to happen overnight. For many years I was tortured for my weight, made fun of by complete strangers.
A psychiatrist once told me that I suffer from social anxiety, and when I first heard of the diagnosis, I was actually upset by it. I didn't believe it to be an accurate diagnosis. But as time has gone on, I understand and accept that I do have a certain level of social anxiety. My tendency has been in the past to just stay home and not go out very much, but that doesn't accomplish much, other than my turning to food in most cases. I have realized that the extra weight that I carry every day is really just fear in a physical form. Fear of failure, fear of judgement, and even fear of being truly happy. It is fear that keeps me trapped in my addiction. It is time to overcome that fear.
It is my goal for this week to continue to get out of my comfort zone, put myself out there, and meet new people. Eventually, if I do this enough, I will be able to carry myself with confidence and know that I am a special person regardless of what I look like on the outside.
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