I know that I haven't been very consistent with updating, especially with my video updates, but I am pleased to say that lately I have been doing much better with my food and exercise plan. I joined a gym and for the past 6 days, I have gone to the gym every night to work out. Keep in mind that it's been many moons since I set foot in a gym, so I've been taking it kind of slow at first just to get back into the swing of things.
I feel pretty good about what I've been able to accomplish since I joined the gym. I have lost 12 lbs so far. Of course, I've been tracking what I eat and eating healthy foods as well. It is something that I am really working hard to keep on track with, but I must admit, it is still tough. I do still have cravings from time to time, but I'm feeling motivated by the results that I've gotten so far, so I haven't given in.
The other night I went to go see a movie, and it was a late showing, so I went alone. After the movie was finished, I was walking out to my car when I saw a cute gay couple standing next to their car and kissing. Admittedly, it made me feel incredibly lonely. I miss that.
I came out of the closet four years ago. Since then, I've had only one serious relationship. It was not exactly the healthiest of relationships, but it definitely taught me a lot. We weren't together for very long, but we moved quickly and we lived together for much of the relationship. In hindsight, I think it was a mistake that we moved so fast, but I had never been in a relationship, and had desired one for a long time. So when the opportunity came along, I went for it.
Without going too much into detail, I'll just say that the relationship didn't last and I was very hurt when it ended. On the same token, I knew that it wasn't a healthy relationship and I had considered ending it myself, but when he broke up with me, it deeply affected me. I went though a period of depression, and then began to move on. It has now been almost a year since that relationship ended, and I have moved on. Lately though, I have been thinking a lot about my ex. Not that I want to get back with him or anything, but I guess I just miss the companionship. I miss the good things, like cuddling or coming home after work and crawling into bed and hugging him.
I am not ready for a relationship. I want one, but I know that I am not ready for one. Since that relationship ended, I have come close to developing other relationships, but I've scared them off by moving too quickly or coming on too strong. People have told me that in order to find a relationship, one must first learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. That is so much easier said than done. But as I've mentioned before, I am a work in progress. This is a journey that will not take place overnight.
I am taking baby steps to get healthy. This week has been good as far as my eating and exercise plan goes, and now I am trying to work on my emotional well being. I realized that the reason I've been thinking about my ex so much and feeling so lonely is because I simply have too much time on my hands. I work four nights a week, and I work 5 hours a night. The remainder of my time is usually spent at home, alone. My friends all have day jobs so there isn't anyone to spend time with during the day when I'm not working. So the first step I have taken to remedy that is I signed up to take piano lessons. I start on Monday.
Well, this has most definitely been an interesting entry. I didn't intend to talk about all the relationship stuff, but I guess I needed to. Until next time, healthy eating!
Josh
You are doing so well! I know its sort of daunting starting a new fitness routine, and trying to "start over," so to speak. I'm right there with you. For me the hardest part is a tendency to hold onto the past and to compare where I'm at now with where I have been (that and trying to squash that little destructive voice inside that says mean things). I think its healthy and admirable that you are taking care of yourself so well, and are focusing on fulfilling your emotional needs through music and piano lessons :) And like you said, it is a journey, but I just wanted to chime in and say that I can see the progress you are making! :)
ReplyDeleteHey Josh,
ReplyDeleteI just got off a long day of work chasing down my dreams and it was one of those days you just have to get through despite having gotten about four hours of sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open this evening, but your follow-up on A&E was just on and I have to say it was incredibly clear that you're smart, you've seen into yourself, and you have what it takes to stay healthy and be whatever you want to be.
I jumped online, as a geek does, and came across your video from July. Both myself and my roomie were so bummed that you've been having a hard time, but immediately saw the courage. Dude, that video was courageous, and you promised to make more so you need to. That promise wasn't for us, it was for you and you know that. I was excited to see you blogging! Pumped!
I co-founded 20SB (www.20sb.net), the largest personal blogging community in the world, and I very, very rarely tell people they should join our community. I just let it grow via word of mouth and we've ended up with a wonderful community full of imperfect people who are putting themselves out there for support, feedback, friendship and advice. You seem like you need community and maybe inside of 20SB is a good place to start? I'd be honored to have you. We all would.
If you have any questions you can ping me at derek@ 20sb DOT net, and this is not a spam comment; this is me saying that your story just filled over an hour of my life and it was a story that I saw a ton of strength in. I firmly believe in the power of community and felt as if not sending you a note of some sort would have been dishonest to how much I'd love to see you be the person you know you're hoping to be.
Sincerely.
D