Thursday, February 16, 2012

Dear God

Dear God,

I’m tired of hearing myself complain.  And I’m tired of being miserable.  I have been hiding from facing the truth.  It’s not that I’m not aware of what my problems are, but it’s that I want different results without changing anything.  A part of me is happy with my food addiction.  I just hate the results of it.

I know there is no magic pill, or quick fix to my food addiction.  But I don’t want to do the work that is required for me to get healthy.  I did it once before, and I don’t think I can do it again. 

I am sad.  I am angry.  I am hungry.  I’m hungry for something different.  But I’ve been feeding that hunger with food, instead of what I should be feeding it with. 


I don’t really think that I’ve ever had a relationship with you.  Of course, I’ve been aware of you since I was a child, going to church with mom and dad.  But the understanding of you that I developed through my childhood and even into young adulthood is not one of a loving caring heavenly father, but of someone who does not love me because I’m gay.

Let me ask you God, if you made being gay a sin, then why did you make me gay?  Why did you set me up for failure right from the start?  This singular issue has been the root of all of my problems.  I believe my struggle with homosexuality has been something that I’ve used my addiction to food to stuff down.  And even after I went to treatment and lost weight and came out, I never really dealt with that.  I still felt like I was wrong in your eyes.

I jumped at the first opportunity for a relationship with a guy.  I wasn’t happy in it…not truly.  I did enjoy the feeling of companionship, and having someone to be close to on an intimate level.  But there were many things that I was not happy with. 

Why does it seem like my life is in shambles most of the time?  Even when I have a job, it seems like there is always something that makes my life chaos: car problems, money problems, job insecurity, or no job at all.  All of these are issues that I’ve had to deal with over the past two years.

And when I lost my most recent job at the Sushi restaurant, I truly felt like I had done nothing wrong.  I wanted to work that situation out. 

I’m rambling I know, but I have a million thoughts in my head right now.  I’m having cravings for food right now, and I’m tempted to go out and make something to eat.  I’ve also been thinking about Corey, and Alan.  I know Alan and I never got into a relationship, but I cared about him very deeply. 

I think my focus has been on everyone or everything but You.  My life has become so negative.  I’ve just been hiding instead of doing anything about it.  Even the meetings I’ve attended, I haven’t really committed to the program in any way.  I haven’t achieved any length of abstinence.  And I haven’t begun to pursue a relationship with you.

On that issue, I’m scared.  I’m scared to start a relationship with you, because I’m scared that I’ll have to change.  And I’m scared that I’m wrong, and that if I do what you want me to do, I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life.

Deep down, I feel like being gay is wrong, but I don’t know if that is because of what I’ve heard my whole life, or if that really is your will.  And that is something that I’m terrified to change, because I feel like I won’t be happy with a woman.  I’m not physically attracted to women.  At all.

And to be honest, I’m really quite angry with you for making me that way.  I never wanted to have this kind of a struggle.  It has made me feel like you don’t love me.

On the flip side of that statement, I acknowledge that you gave me many talents.  I know that these gifts came from you, and nowhere else.  So I can’t help but feel like you wouldn’t have given me these talents if you didn’t love me and want me to do good with them.

But I’m getting in my own way.  My own struggles with food and depression are keeping me from being able to use my gifts the way that I’m sure you intended me to use them.

I am truly lost.  I do not know where to go from here.  I just want help.  My thoughts have been quite scary lately.  Not in wanting to cause harm to myself, but in wishing that I were dead.  Death would be the easy way out.  And I know that you did not give me the talents you gave me, just for them to be wasted by a premature death.

So God, I’m begging me what you want me to do.  Guide me in your will.  And please give me strength to overcome my struggles.  I can’t do it alone.  I’ve tried.  I’ve just ended up right back where I began.

I’m praying for strength.  I’m such a weak person.  People have told me I’m strong, but I’m not.  I’m so scared.  I live in fear, and I don’t want to live that way anymore.  So help me, God.  Please.

I want to thank you for what you’ve done for me.  Thank you for the gifts you have given me.  Help me put them to good use by teaching me to do your will. 

And God, I pray that you will help me out of this depression.  Help me get a job so that I can have something to do with my time other than hide.  I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I fell a long time ago, and I’ve been on the ground ever since.  But I’m ready to get back up and try again.  Just give me the strength to give it another shot.

In Jesus’ name I pray.


1 comment:

  1. I know it's been a while since this was posted but I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed this entry and I hope things are going well for you.